Beyoncé released her sixth solo album in the past week and has fans and critics speculating about the status of her relationship with Jay-Z. Lemonade details the emotions a person experiences when their partner is unfaithful. Marissa Nelson is the CEO and Relationship Therapist of XoXo Therapy specializing in individual, couples and sex therapy. She has dealt with clients who had to deal with infidelity and below are some of the types of infidelity she has noticed.
So to get started, here are 6 key research facts about infidelity:
It is estimated that about 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will be involved in an extramarital affair at some point during their marriage.
People who are involved in an affair often report mistaking the rush of feelings they experience in their affair for love. They often compare these intense feelings to their primary relationship and use those differences to justify the affair. Then they realize at some point that what they’re feeling is based not on any real ground, but on the insistence of something new, the universally positive self-reflection they get from their partner’s infidelity, secrecy, and drama.
When people leave their marriage or relationship for an affair, the new relationship hardly ever survives (3 to 7% survive).
70% of couples survive an affair rather than divorce or break up.
Affairs have gotten more commonplace in the workplace and social circles.
Infidelity is a matter of equal opportunity that crosses the lines of gender, education level, sexual orientation, socioeconomic class and culture.
It’s Just Sexual Relationship
One night stands, vacation time-outs (What happens in Vegas or Brazil stays there), business travel meetings and so on are all affairs of passion. Often the sensation of the moment takes over, and after it ends, returns to reality. It can even occur if a couple likes one another particularly for sex, which normally fades away when they find that there’s not much depth or connection to one another apart from sex.
Revenge Affair “Screw You”.
Let’s say my partner had an affair or a breach of trust… well… if I get a freebie then I’ll feel better, and we’ll be even, and he can possibly feel the pain I went through because of genuine thoughtlessness. Alternatively, if no affection is required, the partner may try to “teach the other a lesson” by showing him that there are other fish in the sea. While it is thought that you might feel better, most of the time you feel worse, unbelievably guilty, and the relationship now has new hurdles to climb.
Emotionally Intimate Non-Physical Affair
Can it be called an affair if there isn’t any sex? Geez. It shares a really intimate and emotionally close bond that feels much more than friendship. Secret meetings, flirting and teasing, private phone calls and texting, and sharing things with the individual that one wouldn’t disclose to the current partner. All of this is finished in privacy and without the partner’s knowledge, and is deliberately downplayed as platonic even although the emotions aren’t. While there are sexual boundaries that aren’t crossed, an affair is more about the emotional energy given to the other person, and the secrecy that surrounds the relationship.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
I find these affairs most frequently when in a long distance relationship, partner travels a lot, in military scenarios, etc. When couples are apart for a long time, one or both of them can reach out for connection and friendship. They normally haven’t any plans to leave their partner and when they do get together, it is all about that union. However, because both partners understand the state of distance and do not want to face the indisputable fact that their lover could be intimate with someone else, some prefer not to ask questions they do not want to know the answers to.
Second Spousal Infidelity
Remember the movie Waiting to Exhale, when Whitney Houston’s character is in a relationship with a married man. He kept telling her he was leaving and they would be together, just be patient. Love feels so complete because it’s a relationship on all levels – sexually, emotionally, spiritually and they’ve secretly created a life together. The second life includes travel, dinners, sleepovers, and life decisions that factor into lovers in several ways. This is a long-term relationship where there’s deep attachment and love, and it can last for years without the knowledge of the main partner.
Departure Affairs
This is when some partners are in a loving relationship but aren’t “in love” with the other. The pair share a rich history and life together and are friends, but both are unhappy. Relationships/marriage have been life support for quite some time now, and cheating is just another way to get out of a relationship (as it often is, etc). Fraudsters are normally careless and will not do much to cover up cheating in this phase or can be very direct in what’s going on or in expressing dissatisfaction and being “done”. Often used to maintaining emotionally distant relationships, I find that this happens more in couples who have been with kids for a long time, and often choose to separate after the kids are old enough.
Repeat Violators
This is not the first, second or third time this person has cheated on me. The line between having “friends” and something more is all the time blurred in this business. Flirty comments on social media? Inspect. Inappropriate text messages and emails? Yes. Rarely is this person open and honest, or taking responsibility for their actions that disrespect the relationship. Most partners who are betrayed are often accused of being jealous and only fueling feelings of mistrust and insecurity.
Developmental/Life Events
An affair centered around major life events like pregnancy, midlife crisis, empty nest, loss of a loved one, etc. Men and girls can turn to lovers to renew their sense of self, and to mask feelings of anxiety and depression. A partner may turn to infidelity as a way to assert their sense of masculinity or femininity, or to experiment sexually with the fantasy that’s BDSM, or same-sex encounters.
About the Author:
Marissa Nelson is the CEO of Washington DC-based XoXo Therapy LLC and the Master Relationship Therapist at IntimacyMoonsTM. He served as a private practitioner working with a broad spectrum of clients in the Greater Washington DC area until his recent move to the Bahamas. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Sex Therapist & Divorce Mediator, and specialises in couples & intimacy issues.
With specialised training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Sexual Health, her therapeutic approach is to provide support and understanding to help her clients deal effectively with personal life challenges. With compassion and understanding, she works with every couple to help them build on their strengths and achieve the private growth they want to attain.
Marissa conducts lectures, workshops and group therapy for general adult audiences. He has appeared in over 30 TV, Radio and print commercials in just the last 18 months. Notable appearances include Esquire Magazine, Washington Post, Good Day DC, Baltimore Morning News, Let’s Talk Live, and several appearances on Pillow Talk WHUR DC Radio. Due to her growing popularity along the eastern seaboard of the United States, Marissa was recently offered a special column in the #1 African-American bridal magazine, Munaluchi Bridal, and was named the blogger’s choice on Popsugar.com (the 45th highest-traffic website in the United States). On November 9thhe will appear on TVOne airing For My Man.
Young, dynamic, articulate and highly qualified, Marissa holds a Master of Family Therapy (MFT) degree from the esteemed Department of Couples and Family Therapy at Drexel University in Philadelphia. Marissa also completed a Graduate Certificate in Sexual Health and Sex Therapy from the University of Michigan School of Social Work.
Website: http://www.xoxotherapy.com/
