You think you are better than the evil overpriced Starbucks? Well, to be honest, you possibly do not, neither of us. However, we still like to think that we cannot be fooled by the sweet, milky drink they call ‘coffee’, so we prefer to be fooled by other artisan coffee places. Oh, you do not want to be a coffee snob who thinks their local shop serves the only coffee in the world that’s worth your money? Here’s how you can be a sneaky coffee nerd without being the jerk who hangs out in coffee shops and orders things like Pacamara (even what?)
Learn about the shelf life of your coffee
It’s really not a marketing scheme—real baked goods really do have a brief shelf life, anywhere from seven days to three weeks. Judge for yourself with some experimentation and do not drink anything really stale. If you buy roasted nuts, make sure to check the “roast” date.
Attend cupping
Ok, this may sound pretty pretentious and you are completely right. Still, it is an awesome way to learn what you REALLY like and do not like, so you get a coffee worth your money and effort. Don’t you dare fake your excitement over a cup of coffee you do not like! This cupping session is a little douchey in that you need to sip your coffee with a tiny spoon and come up with foolish nicknames about coffee, but it is in fact very educational and an awesome way to find your one perfect taste. If you do not want to go near the cupping, check it out FriedCoffee and you can learn a lot about coffee, brewing methods and equipment from the comfort of your home.
Splurge on your grinder
This is the most vital equipment. Sure, your cold press gets you your morning potion, but you want something high-quality that will grind those beans really fine to maximise your access to all the magic hidden inside. Some people like their bean blitz instantly after roasting, others like to wait overnight, but it is your choice. One thing is for sure, a good grinder will turn you into a real coffee connoisseur without any hint of jerk there.
Go cheap on the roaster
On the other hand, you can use a coffee roaster very cheaply. In fact, you can forgo all the expensive specialty equipment and go for a cheap popcorn maker. If you get it to the right temperature (you will need a good high-temperature thermometer), you can roast coffee beans amazingly in 10 minutes.
Hold milk
A real coffee lover would never taint the pure taste of coffee with milk or worse, sugar. According to the most douchey of all the douchey coffee drinkers, soy milk is a real sin—the worst of all sins. What you can do, although, is have an iced coffee every so often. You’re not a monster, everybody loves iced coffee.
Learn to judge without tasting
A real coffee nerd can judge their cup by the way it looks and smells. For example, if your cappuccino has very thick foam, the milk is too hot. You should not be fighting your foam for espresso. What you want to see is a smooth finish with coffee and milk that complement one another. This little trick will make you look super educated!
Clean the roof of your mouth
Be sure to ask for a glass of water with your espresso to clear your palate. A sip of water followed by a sip of espresso is how you go about it.
Keep these tips in mind and you will really know what you are doing with your coffee in no time. The deeper you brew your coffee, the more you’ll understand what all the hype is all about! Just do not judge other people’s choice 7-Eleven coffees—do not be a jerk.
